I Got Naked For My Friends, So You Don’t Have To

The following article recounts my experience as a nude model for a life drawing exhibition, describing my thoughts and emotions before, during, and after the event…. No, I do not have any photos.

One Week Prior…

For context, I had enlisted in being a nude model for life drawing last semester; however, COVID popped up and ruined my chance. Then, I received a message in September from The Art Society, which notified me that they would be resuming the event and asked if I was interested. Of course, I said yes. Being on the backburner for so long, I was not expecting the event to actually materialize. Writing this a week prior to the event, I genuinely do not feel the nervousness that should be infecting me at the moment. I mean, I will be exposing my nude body to over twenty people (five of which are my own close friends). Perhaps, I’m just void of emotions nowadays…which explains a lot. Maybe I’ve conditioned myself to embrace nudity (I have been on a fair share of skinny dip escapades). Regardless, I’m kind of creeped out by my lack of emotions.

3 Days Until…

Oh God, I feel nothing like how I did a couple days ago. The fear has arrived. What if it gets cold? What if I get performance anxiety? The American male standard of his *ahem* area is quite different from the European, will this be a foreign sight for my fellow participants? How much should I shave? I know my friends will laugh no matter how great I’m looking that day, but will other people? Will I be approached afterwards for my assets? Why does the Can Do tent have to be see-through? Will they be watching me on the security cameras? It’s going to be an interesting sight to see a naked guy with a mask on. Should I just make a joke out of it and leave my socks on? Is it socially acceptable to get drunk before this? There’s absolutely no way that I can do this sober, right? Why the hell did I sign up for this? I’m usually the thrill-seeking type, but, damn dude, you outdid yourself this time. You know what? Screw it. I’m going to look HOT. I’m going to walk in there and strut my shit. But why do they not have a screen to strip down behind? Am I going to have to strategically bend over when taking my pants off? Do I practice poses or simply improvise? Help.

1 Hour Before…

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit. After an hour of shaving and only wearing loose clothing for the past two days, the day has come. I need at least one drink in me, right? Red wine is great for circulation, so maybe that will help me combat the cold breeze. What if I have to pee? God, this is horrific. It was such a funny concept but the pain of it all…unprecedented. I must have at least one drink within this hour. But I fasted all day today. This is horrible.

I must drink.

Drinking and listening to some hype music.

Ok, nerves are getting a bit calmer. 

Let’s rock and roll.

During…

LET’S GET NAKED!!!! I walked into that tent like there was no tomorrow. It didn’t matter what the world thought of me: I was there to show these art kids what I’ve got. After no response to my “How are y’all doin’?”, I instantly knew I was the king of the tent. Unraveling my robe came with ease, and I had no problem exhibiting some – slightly raunchy – poses. I had no shame in pointing at some artists or even spreading my legs for the world to see. I owned this life drawing. 

I was rocking it with the confidence only Jon Hamm could have when it comes to his package (if you’re unsure of that reference, I recommend you check it out. Just make sure you’re not at work).

While laying butt naked on the floor, the thoughts began to surge. I instantly knew my demise was inbound. The awkward placement of my stuff was certainly not going to go unnoticed. Was it too late to fix up? I know nude models have to stay still, but, damn, I need to at least display myself in my full glory. However, I knew that it was too late. Now was not the time for adjustment. I must accept my unfortunate exhibition.

After the agonizing 15 minutes on the ground, I finally got up and attempted my next pose: a nice little butt action for my guests. However, things did not go as planned…

Unfortunately, I was not immune to the wine-empty-stomach combo that I had previously and firmly fell on my displayed asset. Trying to drown out my friends’ laughter, I did everything I physically could do to flush out my embarrassment. I sensed a demise to my time as a nude model. Though, if you know me, you know I live by “the show must go on”. I fell with PURPOSE. I made it look intentional. I knew that if I was going to go down, I would have to go gracefully, and I did exactly that. This was MY time to shine.

After a brief intermission, I entered my nude arena ready for action. Unfortunately, the second half was much colder, leaving me with no choice but to tactically cover up some of my sensitive areas. Many apologies go out to the artists, as I spent much of this hour in either a belly-down pose or a strategic cross-legged technique. Fortunately, some sense was knocked back into me. What was displayed before - a perfectly average display - was already in the minds of the guests. So what if I happened to transition into my subpar form? I was proud of what I showcased prior.  

Soon, the moderators called time, and I gave the best damn bow St. Andrews has ever seen. To be quite honest, I am slightly offended by the lack of applause at the end, but I will excuse it.

The Aftermath…

Simply put: this experience was eye-opening. I mean, what’s the point in having shame when you have nothing to hide anymore? There is no reason for our bodies to be shut out from the other people’s perceptions. No matter what, we’ve all got something to rock. Granted, current laws prevent us from going out and rocking what we’ve got, but there’s nothing wrong with a little post-shower pep talk. This experience has truly allowed me to come to terms with myself and love every aspect of my body. I mean, shit, all of me is immortalized in the eyes of at least twenty St. Andrews kids for better or for worse, and I’m completely fine with that…

As long as I don’t bump into any of them on the street.